This is a story about Love. The real kind.

Me: God, I don't know what to write, or where to start.
Just write.

Mid 2002, weeks before my graduation from college, I was suicidal. I sat on my bed with two kitchen knives and eyes full of tears. I remember hearing my mom's pained voice crack through the phone urging me to just graduate and come home to her. That's when I knew I needed God.

I followed Mom's guidance and met God shortly after graduation at Mars Hill (the best church on the west side of Chicago -- personal opinion). That's where God started working on me, where he began to loosen my dependence on anything that was not Him. I see now that God separated me from many for the sole purpose of teaching me and watching me grow spiritually.

Me: There is so much to write, but I only wish to script what you wish.
Keep writing

My favorite thing about Mars Hill was digging into God's word. I have pages upon pages of notes in super cute notebooks :o) filled with spiritual insights. I would read my bible independently and actually understand. And for the first time, the voices of negativity in my mind were hushed. I'll never be good enough, smart enough, black (or Hispanic) enough, professional enough, sexy enough... The list went on and on. But God saw more than enough in me. God took his time teaching me, molding me, and making it clear to me that He accepted me.

Just write

One of my teenagers (been teaching teens about God since late 2005) mentioned to me innocently -- and I don't even think she realizes the significance of what she said to me. She said, "Your guy is like your Rico... the guy in the skit." See Lifehouse Everything Skit on the left. In the skit, the guy was pulling the girl away from God. I couldn't understand how my guy could be like that guy. This was the same guy I had been in love with since high school. The same guy who has "loved" and adored me forever.

There are two kinds of love (that I've learned so far). That which belongs to the world and that which comes from God. God is love. Real love is taught by God. God spent the last eight or so years of my life revealing facets of His love to me.
John 15:9 "...Now, remain in my love."

My guy spent that same amount of time "loving" me the way only the world can. The world's love is not for me because God has chosen me out of the world.
John 15:18-19

I've been trapped between these two kinds of love in an intense battle for at least the last year. Mostly because I thought the guy's love was connected to God's love. It wasn't. While I was trapped, I cried, I screamed at the guy, screamed at God. I prayed for the truth, but could never find it. Opened my bible and could not understand. Doubted God. Doubted Life. Doubted Love. Changed my definition of love to the world's. I've spent the past year chained in depression (being blessed all the while), but chained nonetheless.

Then suddenly, after months of being afraid to trust anyone, including God, I allowed my Father (heavenly) to move forward with His will for my life.

I closed my eyes and sought God with my heart.
Remember everything I have taught you, and lean on that.

I see clearly now. My heart hurts, but my God is bigger. God is love and love is described in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love 1 Cor. 13,
makeda
"All I am is a nobody telling somebody about Him." ~ Kierra 'Kiki' Sheard